With Starbucks' stock price falling to early 2004 levels, returning CEO Howard Schultz mandated a three and a half hour closure of all the chain's nearly 7,100 retail stores for a "historic in-store education and training event." Its competitors took advantage of the temporary store closures to offer their coffees either for free or at reduced rates.

Taking a page from others, I will attempt to decode corporate speak of Schultz's missive about this event in his Transformation Agenda Communication #8.

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Howard Schultz Transformation Agenda Communication #8
Translation: I can't come up with a better title.

To: All Partners
Translation: I'm the CEO and we all know what you are.

From: Howard Schultz
Translation: My name.

Re: As we embark on Espresso Excellence Training
Translation: Let's all pretend our current situation is caused by the quality of the Espresso.

Aged Sumatra … that's what I'm drinking as I write you this note. Hands down, it's my favorite coffee. Aged for three to five years in a warehouse in Singapore, then shipped as green coffee to our plant in Kent, Washington, and roasted to perfection. The result is a stunning cup of coffee. The velvety mouthful, the full-body of one of our classic Indonesian coffees, and the subtle but ever-present earthiness and spiciness brought to life by our proprietary aging process. It's rare, it's exotic, and it's ours. What a gift … and we get to share it with one another and with our customers.
Translation: I love that burnt flavor. I'll just call whatever it is in this cup Sumatra.

Tomorrow evening, we will come together in an unprecedented event in our company's storied history. We will close all of our U.S. company-operated stores to teach, educate and share our love of coffee, and the art of espresso. And in doing so, we will begin to elevate the Starbucks Experience for our customers. We are passionate about our coffee. And we will revisit our standards of quality that are the foundation for the trust that our customers have in our coffee and in all of us.
Translation: People are building up a tolerance to caffeine and are not as addicted as they used to be. Pushing sandwiches in the stores aren't working.

But, as I think about it, there is another perhaps equally important reason why we have scheduled this training. It's to celebrate who we are.
Translation: Let's all pretend this is really what the training is about so that three and a half hours can go by much quicker.

We are Starbucks. We should be incredibly proud of what we have built. We are the worldwide leader of specialty coffee. And, believe me when I tell you, we are just getting started. We will overcome the difficult and humbling challenges we face, and will be stronger for it. You have my word on that.
Translation: We used to be able to charge two bucks for a cup of coffee, dammit! We can again. You have my word on that.

We are Bean Stock, we are Healthcare, and we are also the Cup Fund.
Translation: Perhaps we should have stuck to coffee...

We are at our best when we are entrepreneurial and courageous, push for innovation and reject the status quo. We are leaders not followers--we leave that for others.
Translation: Okay, maybe trying to get into the music and movies business weren't such good ideas. Let's get back to the Espresso.

We are the third place in the lives of millions of our customers. We are the coffee that brings people together every day around the world to foster conversation and community.
Translation: We need to bring back the image of having a Starbucks coffee cup in your hand meant you're hip and cool.

As Starbucks partners, we are bound together by the passion we have for our coffee and the customer experience. More than 170,000 of us stand for quality and an uncompromising ethical standard. We uphold our guiding principles by demonstrating respect and dignity for one another, and for our customers.
Translation: If our stock price continue to fall, we may have less partners. You don't want that, do you?

Thank you in advance for embracing tomorrow night in the spirit in which it is intended. Have fun, but also make it matter. Learn, teach, and share with your fellow partners.
Translation: You will learn. Yes, you will.

Celebrate our coffee, one another, and the respect we have for our customers.
Translation: Pretty please? I want to keep my job.

Onward,
Translation: Hopefully, not downward.

Howard
Translation: Yep, that's my name.